I find it hard to let go of bad memories.
They remain lodged deep within the recesses of my brain — like an engraving, carved with a precision laser beam. I get haunted by them most of the time, taunted at every turn. Sometimes, it’s a constant barrage and other times, it just randomly pops up. Every cringe action or bad decision I have ever taken, I find it difficult to let go.
For someone who has a hard time with such memories, you’d think I’d live my life in such a way that I get to avoid getting put in situations like this but no!
Like that time when I fell into a gutter, to my chagrin but it was entertainment content for my friends.
Or that time, during Chemistry class, when I was made to stand up to answer a question while doing my best to hide an awkward, raging boner.
Or the time I decided to *block* a girl for the first time in the university and bit my tongue at the first sentence.
My entire Twitter DMs from 2013–2014.
My FPL selection last week.
You get the picture by now. I’m a guy who has lived his life having to navigate through a lot of awkward moments. Which should be no biggie. I mean, we all have, right? Of course, I messed up! Who’s never messed up, hands in the air? No hands?
However, when every other decision you make in the future is overshadowed by thoughts from previous mishaps, you really don’t get to live a balanced life. It’s one filled with doubts and self-criticism. You are always walking on eggshells around people. Most times, these people don’t even take cognizance of your mishaps and even when they do, they forget them most times. But you never do and it tends to hurt you. You are afraid of trying new things or making any real progress. No new friends, no new job, no new adventure. You prefer that little circle where you really get to do nothing.
At some point, I realized I was in a box. I could not do anything no matter how much I wanted to try it. This box in my head was not letting me go. It took a while but I was able to find out the reason why and somehow, it took even longer to come to terms with it.
I am learning to let go now. Let go and sleep in peace. There are a couple of things which I practise to help me get through it.
- Focus on my wins. One thing this thing would take away from you is the joy of your wins. You could be having the best day of your life. Then, someone notices your trousers are torn and the rest of your day (and week) goes downhill from there. I have learnt to focus on my wins and ignore the nagging thoughts reminding me of cringe moments.
- Accept that I am not perfect. I have come to accept that I will eventually get to make mistakes. In fact, I will get to make a lot of mistakes and it is fine. I am not perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. I can live with that.
- I am not the best. This one was hard to accept. Growing up, I was the perfect child. The fairest of them all, the most intelligent, the most handsome, I asked smart questions and made smart observations. Everyone around me told me I was the best. So realizing there were people who were better was tough. But when I was able to accept it, it made swallowing my mistakes easier.
This is not an easy process. I still get reminded of my cringe moments often. However, I get to laugh at them these days. It gets better and easier each passing day. I don’t get to whine about the fact that I’m last on the table in the FPL mini league I created. I no longer worry about that time I got flogged on the assembly ground or the time I faked my graduation (long story) because I still had carryovers. It’s all water under the bridge.
Like Elsa, let it go…
