Growing up, I was always one of the youngest among my peers. From school to church to the kids on the street. Every time I had to hang around my people, I was the youngest one there. It was no fault of mine — I was a really intelligent kid growing up.
I’m told when I was little, there were obvious signs that I was going to be very intelligent. My mum says no one taught me to stand — I just figured it out on my own. One afternoon, she put me on the bed and went to do something and by the time she got back, I was standing by the edge of the bed. She says she was so shocked that she ran away from the room for a bit. It was no biggie — I had seen the adults do it and it didn’t look so hard so I did it too. I was only 8 months old then. From then on, I got homeschooled till I was 3 and then, I was enrolled in a school, in a class with people older than I was. They didn’t know if I would survive or struggle. Turns out not only was I coping in the class, I was actually kicking ass.
The problem with being among peers who were older than I was, was that I was always reminded that I was the small boy. At that age, a 2–4 year age gap was a big deal. I was always made to feel like the small boy. If I made a mistake, it’s because I was small. I barely developed any social skills because I was always left out of things. It was exacerbated by the fact that I was an only child of overly protective parents. Where was I going to develop the social skills I needed to navigate through life?!
It did not get better in my pre-teens and teenage stage. In fact, it compounded. Of course, puberty in the mix meant that there were some feelings being aroused in me which I couldn’t really share with anyone other than my peers — same folks who made me feel small. The social skills required to relate with the opposite sex always eluded me. It was a time when almost every interaction with a girl had some form of sexual connotation or dance around. Everyone was trying to figure out how to navigate through this puberty thing. I always imagined that it would be far worse to be made to feel small by a girl. One time I tried it and it happened and I vowed never to let it happen again. I shut down that side of my life. The desires didn’t go away but I swore to never approach any girl.
I managed to successfully navigate through life that way. I accepted that there would be things I would be left out of. There would be times people would remind me I was a kid. My social skills were barely able to get me through. I was rolling with people who had more experience than I did and trying to glean as much as they would let me glean. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it was my reality.
Somehow I have managed to now find myself among people who are my age or a year or two older and even people I am older than. Feels great to not be left out of things again. In fact, I am the one dishing out the information this time. I think it’s why I have an issue with interacting with people from ‘that’ stage of my life. They tend to remind me about a time when I was a less confident person, clinging to friends, desperate to feel among. My mum scolds me for refusing to interact with childhood friends. I cannot start explaining why interacting with them drains me all the time.
Oh well, small boy is all grown now. I’ll be fine. I have let go of some of that baggage. I’m still dealing with the others. It is what it is.
P.S: This is a terrible way guys deal with trauma
